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So I have majorly abandoned my LJ lately. And for that I am sorry. My head is in an odd place lately.

I am sorry to say that I probably won't be on much at all from now on.  I will most likely be screening certain entries as well. 

The good news is that I have finally written some shit that I like enough to send out. I have a pseudo-editor in my former English teacher and I am trying to find publishers to send my stuff to. I also am really looking for websites that allow independent publishing, that send stuff out there to publishers and companies and magazines.  I know that I have some writers on my friends list so if any of you have any websites to help freelancers bookmarked send them my way please. *puppy dog eyes*

I have made an account at hitRecord.com. It seems really cool and I'm going to dig up some of my shorter works to submit.

I still am not completely confident with it, but I've been told that I have greatly improved.

Also, I really came to appreciate you guys, and I would love to keep in contact. (really, no lie. It would make my day everyday if we kept in touch)

So, you can reach me at my facebook: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001101415421
my tumblr: http://weneedtogetaway.tumblr.com/
and my email: 3ghostsinalighthouse@gmail.com

I would really love to hear from you, but I'm awkward so it would help if you contacted me first because otherwise I would feel like I was bothering you. meep.

I love you all. really.

Dec. 12th, 2011

*looks at blog*

 Holy crap.

*looks at time stamp on latest comments*


I cannot believe that I haven't been on here in two weeks!

I think it's mainly christmas stuff. Although I can't say that I've been busy with it because we haven't put our tree up. And normally we're the type of family who puts it up the week after thanksgiving.

My friends are finally coming home. through a sick twist of fate I missed everyone who was home for thanksgiving. Now they are coming home for a longer time period so we hare absolutely determined to see each other now. but the thing is that so many of them are hard to reach. Due to mother F-ing ridiculous rules and constraints dealing with phrases like "when you live under my roof" and the like. i do not have a cell phone. And unless it's by text, nobody seems to know how to communicate with each other lately. It confounds me. They have Facebook on their phones so we keep in touch through chat, but either Facebook is glitching (as it is wont to do) or W is just ignoring me.

This is where I tell myself to stop being paranoid and call him. I have total social anxiety over calling people, but I'm going to do it anyway, because he keeps saying how much he misses me, and how much fun stuff we're going to do, then I say i'm bad at making plans but will go with anything he comes up with, then contact stops and neither one of us make any plans.


I have been having such weird and screwed up dreams lately. But last nights was only kind of screwed up before it segued into weird.

At the beginning I was shopping somewhere with my mother, and there was this cute guy ... blah blah blah, he needed up being a total tool and trying to force me into sex and all of that. But then, in my dream I ended up going to the mall with my mother and I passed by T holding a sign written in french about pork tenderloins. And it was improper french too, then we saw her grandmother by the road eating peanut butter and jelly in separate bowls, with a spoon.

Then when we got to the Mall I kept noticing this cute guy at the apple store (that I saw in real life like once, he was very attractive, wearing a scarf, and winked at me.) and he kept giggling at me as I went by, which might have been because my mother had put me in a shopping cart and was carting me around.

But then we passed a store which used the word "than" when it should have used "then." and I screamed out,

"USE PROPER GRAMMAR!" and then he winked at me again and I woke up.


link time! because I have nothing else to say and have been on Stumbleupon. (sorry, I suck at making links look good.)

http://www.onlineschools.org/2009/11/03/100-essential-reads-for-the-lifelong-learner/     100 essential reads for the life long learner.

http://thesocietypages.org/socimages/2010/09/22/gentle-public-activism-magnussons-i-75-project/       (I'm sure some of you have already seen this, but I just think it's cool) Road markers, that are actually social activism signs.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/donnad/how-gay-rights-is-nothing-like-legalizing-beastali       A funny chart on how to explain gay rights to a stupid person. I actually think that this may come in handy for me. haha.

Tiny update time.

I haven't been on much the past week or so(like at all) but I will go back and comment on a bunch of entries I've missed soon. :)

-My brother is coming home for thanksgiving.

- Some of my friends are coming home for thanksgiving as well and hopefully we can get some hangout time in because I'm starting to feel awfully replaced and lonely. I can't shake the feeling that a couple of them are out right ignoring me.*shakes it off anyway*

- I almost had a relapse with my SI. I was crying and a bunch of stuff you don't want to hear about. I used some rubber bands instead and I'm okay again. I can't place my finger on my emotions but I've been having a lot of very vivid and upsetting dreams lately. I've been thinking about death in a almost clinical fashion,the way that I used to, and I can't seem to go through the day without it creeping up on me. I'm shaking that off as well. I suppose that people shake off unpleasant emotions like a dog with water, it's a funny image. Or maybe it isn't but I'm really tired right now.

- I feel awfully apathetic, and then I feel pretty guilty about feeling so apathetic.

- It's not as bad as it sounds.
Hi. I like hugs so that's why I give you guys ((((hugs)))) all of the time. Idk, I just like hugs. So I spread the internet hugs all around!

my life is boring. I'm sorry. umm... I'm feeding my Mom's cat Cheetos. Which I've been told is bad for them, but she's never had a reaction and I love to spoil animals.

Did you guys hear that scientists have declared the Western Black Rhino extinct? Excuse me as I cry over the state of nature deteriorating.

On that note when I was younger I was such a tree hugger that I actually made "Save The Trees" Sings when I was about 9. I put them up on the trees around the driveway... the like 3 cars pass each day. I'm sure that had a profound effect on the environment.

Let's see here. I've changes my hair again. It's no longer purple. Shame Shame. I decided to dye it very, very light blond to get rid of my roots and strip the left over faded purple. My mom liked it so much that she has convinced me to keep it this way for the time being. She said that I look like one of her babies again. This is because my mom is the kind of blond haired blue eyed babe that  everyone expects is from a bottle. And my brother is naturally blond too, meanwhile I've always naturally been right on the line between blond and brunette and thus shunned from both sides.but I put some Teal, Cotton Candy Pink, and Electric Banana streaks in through the front layers to give it a nice blended effect.

Also my hair has now reached the Emma Watson-grown-out-pixie/bob/shag/whatever that she has right now. At least that's what people tell me.

My mother is also fond of telling me lately that "Eventually you'll need to have normal hair."

To which I try my best to not go on a rant about constricting social norms telling me what I can and can't do with my body.
I am aware that it is harder to get a job in some places if you look "alternative" (I hate that word), but I just don't give a crap.

I made an old friend mad at me when I very gently tried to tell her that she was politically ignorant. I tried to put it very gently as to not offend her, but she thought I was calling her stupid so she was offended anyway. I can't help it, if I see someone who doesn't know shit about what they're talking about, and I have some degree more of knowledge, I will try to correct them a little bit. I know that a lot of people think that makes me a bitch, but I honestly just want people to be properly informed. I know that I'm not exceptionally smart, but I try to pay attention to things. And If someone tells me that they still think Obama is a Muslim, or something else obviously incorrect I will correct them.

umm, also apparently my friends are concerned about my mental health. so yeah... I have assured them that I am doing fine, but the way that they showed their concern was actually rather touching. Not discriminatory.
first let me get a small amount of angsty whining out, then I shall proceed to a cheerful post.

T is not talking ot me. I don't know if she's avoiding me or just really busy. it is entirely possible that it is the latter but we normally still check in with each other and she isn't answering any of my messages for a couple of days now. This worries me because I'm scared I might have done something to piss her off. I know that I'm the kind of person that gets replaced easily because I'm more of a homebody, and I have different interests than most people my age who want to party and pretend that they're an adult when they really aren't yet. I'm more comfortable enjoying the quiet moments before I have to grow up and join the real world, and I guess that makes me boring sometimes. I'm trying to stay positive.


yesterday was my favorite kind of wednesday. I went to the library and picked up an armful of books from authors that I really should have read by now. And I picked up some large anthologies of Comic runs from writers that I haven't read yet to see if I like them. And I'm reading Watchmen again just because I think it's one of those things that people should read multiple times.

I spent the day with my mother, it was raining on and off and it looked beautiful with the fallen leaves and the fog from lake michigan. I can't swim but I still love living in a state where there are lakes everywhere, even aside from the great lakes we have lakes everywhere here. I just like the atmosphere.

The day started with having breakfast at this cute little Italian place. Me and my mother switched plates and ate what the other always ordered. I ate so much french toast. We almost had to roll ourselves out of there. for some reason when we eat breakfast my mother and I always end up talking about feminism and out futures. She said that my father wants me to be a model. I said that I wouldn't object to it but just because I have the proportions doesn't mean that my face will look good in photographs.

then we went to the library. I love it there, I wish I could buy more books but I love being able to just pick up a book without looking at the description and reading it on a whim. I've found some of the best books that way.

We went to the used bookstore in town. I should maybe tell you that I'm talking about Manistee. It is the closest town that I live by. It was founded by rich loggers and has a beautiful river running trough it. In the downtown all of the buildings are victorian. It's wonderful to look at. In the used book store I picked up some F.Scott.Fitzgerald, Virginia Woolfe, and Emily Dickenson. The highest the prices go is five dollars, and I feel like all of the books have stories besides just the ones written in their pages. I kind if think of them like dogs in a pound looking for a new owner.

The sweet old man that runs the place noticed tha kind of books that I was looking for and suggested a couple to me. I had to put them back because I didn't have enough money for them. We had a talk about Catcher In The Rye, and eventually he placed one of the books that he had suggested in my hand and told me to take it for free. I tried to pay for it but he said that it was from one book lover to the other, and that he almost never had young people come in the store.

he was so sweet, I have to go in there more often and give him my business. I'm afraid that he might go out of business because the other bookstore is a lot bigger. But I always go to the used store first.

And I found a place to buy some of my comics in town, they don't have the largest selection, but the bigger store has a rack of them, and now at least I don't have to buy as many online.

I went home, ate nutella on toast, drank a lot of green tea, read my books, and now the next morning I'm watching The Twilight Zone and blogging about it all.

It was a good day.

well, LJ is still being a dumb hole to me. So I've been having trouble logging on. Here is a short list of some of the (moderately)interesting things that I did last week.

I got to meet the other side of T's family. This side was much nicer, they were all so friendly, we stayed in a camper at her Aunt's house.Her aunt owns an organic farm and  I got to take home a bunch of eggs. My feet dangled off the end of the bed and my elbows kept slamming into the little cupboards above the bed. T laughed. I tickled her. We stayed up till three in the morning talking like Samuel.L.Jackson.

I drank champagne for the fist time. I can't help but think it's over rated, but then again I'm mostly straight edge anyway so I find all alcohol over rated. Not that it's bad, it's just not my thing. and i'm tired of people asking me why I don't drink. Because a lot of it is because of my fathers alcoholism, and that's not something that I like to talk about.

T and I were going to go see Paranormal activity 3 but then I screwed something up and she got mad at me, and then we made up and trolled the mall for a couple of hours. Neither of us apologized but she did thank me for putting up with her and not getting personally offended when she got all pissy. We ended up driving and singing along and making up words to obnoxious party songs on the radio.

I broke through some writers bock and wrote something that is getting quite positive responses. Yay! conversely though, every time I feel like I write something of value I see all of my draw backs, and flaws in my writing style as well, and I feel like I'll never be as good as I want to be.

I tried to gain weight in order to give blood today. The minumum weight is 110 pounds. I binged for a week straight and I only just got above 110, and then I couldn't give blood anyway.  I am very self conscious about my build sometimes. Most of the time I'm fine with it, but I'm getting tired of people calling me a string bean. I am slightly worried about my health as well, because my weight has gotten low enough that I've skipped a couple months worth of periods.

Sometimes you just need to listen to iggy pop and chill out don't you? at least I do.

I felt really proud of myself the other day when I realized how long I've gone without any form of self injuring. No cutting, no burning, no purging. I gave myself a big pat on the back. It is true that I have stated scratching and picking again, but I think I've gotten that under control, so I'm counting it as a victory. I've come to believe that I'm just pre disposed to self destructive behavior.But that doesn't mean that I can't fight it.

"Because nerds like us are allowed to be unironically enthusiastic about stuff. We don’t have to be like, ‘Oh yeah that purse is okay’ or like, ‘Yeah, I like that band’s early stuff.’ Nerds are allowed to love stuff, like jump-up-and-down-in-the-chair-can’t-control-yourself-love it. When people call people nerds, mostly what they are saying is, ‘You like stuff’, which is just not a good insult at all, like ‘You are too enthusiastic about the miracle of human consciousness’."-- John Green. I just felt like this is something some of you might enjoy.

well, I went to the wedding and I survived.

  • T's mother is crazy. She has more mood swings than I thought was possible. although I probably shouldn't call her crazy because that's derogatory. she comes from old money and she loves buying people stuff, when I got what I call "Poor person guilt" from it all she go personally offended. You have to walk on eggshells around her, it was exhausting. I stayed in a hotel with T and her mother for the night before hand, we got goofy animal hats and played air hockey.

  • Catholic weddings are ridiculous. Way too long, and the whole catholic religion creeps me out slightly. It has to do with how robotic everything is, everything that the church body does is prompted by the pastor at a certain time. He says something and then they say something. If anyone has been to a catholic church you'll get what I'm having a hard time describing. It was more like brainless rituals than "worshiping" Also Her mothers brother came up to her and told her mother that she wasn't wanted there. I couldn't believe his audacity, she didn't go to the reception beause of it. The whole reason that she wasn't wanted was because she had had a divorce instead of an annulment. which states that the marriage never happenned. Which is lying. Which is against one of the 10 commandments, but whatever.

  • I got so many dirty looks. Apparently the catholic religion is not fond of purple hair, several members were whispering behind my back about how they thought it was disrespectful. Look I'm not dying my hair over just for a wedding. Also because t is fond of holding hands and linking arms and stuff I got quite a few "dyke" comments made when they thought I wasn't listening. I know that t likes to be cuddly, which normally I'm all for the cuddles. she revels in doing stuff like that in public because she is sick of how people react to two girls platonically holding hands, which is a point that I can fully back, but it doesn't effect her like it does me because she shrugs it off. I do too, it's just that it hurts a little more.  Also when I was trying to make pleasant conversation with one of her relatives(an elderly man) he ignored me, gave me a very dirty look, and then walked away. That hurt most of anything, because no matter how hard I try to be pleasent and polite it's like it doesn't matter.

  • Now I've been making a lot of mix tapes and I'ce decided to make one about mix tapes. So if any of you guys know of any songs that have mixtape in the title or mention mix tapes then send them my way.  I know of "Mix Tape" by Brand New, "Mix Tape" by Jack's mannequin, 'Mixed Tape" by butch Walker and "Song For a Mix Tape" By The Ataris.

To get everyone out of the shadows

This meme is taken from 
( I don't know if that will show up because LJ is being a bitch right now, but just in case I'll just type it out all non-clickable) empressith.

1. Name:
2. Birthday:
3. Where do you live?:
4: What are you studying/What are you working as?:
5. What makes you happy?:
6. What are you listening to now/have listened to last?:
7. What is particularly good/bad about my LJ?:
8. An interesting fact about you:
9. Are you in love/do you have a crush at the moment?:
10. Favorite place to be:
11. Favorite lyric:
12. Best time of the year:
13. Weirdest food you like:
14. Contact info/Facebook/Twitter:

1. A film:
2. A book:
3. A song:
4: A band:

1. Favorite Fandom:
2. OTP/OT3:
3. Icon/Fic Journal:
^ this isn't obligatory since not everyone has fandoms, I think :)

1. One thing you like about me:
2. Two things you like about yourself:
3. Put this in your LJ so I can tell you what I think of you?

Let me tell you about the tiny, minny crises that I'm having right now. I have an on line course that I'm taking and all of it needs to be due on the 19th. To tell the truth I could have had it done months ago but I kept putting off certain lessons for weeks at a time. or outright forgetting about certain assignments due to it being summer. Well now I only have a couple of days to get it done and I just realized a major way that I have screwed up. For two of my finals I have to write multi page stories wth very strict guide lines, and I'm not going to bore you with the details but basically I thought I had done it right...and then I reread the fine print. And now I'm screwed and have to do them over. Cue me panicking to complete two semi-decent stories of a certain length and very strict guidlines. I have one down and one to go, and then I have to do the final final. yep. This is why I hate my procrastination.

Also one of my best friends got ot come home this past weekend. He is the W you might remember me having mentioned, yep, basically he kept complaining about how many guys are throwing themselves at his feet, but he has too high of standards. Yes, that is his major issue. If only we all had that problem. But he is the biggest spazz ever and totally  fun to hang out with, and I had missed him a lot. He told me that he's worried that he's not doing good enough, and he's one of the smartest, most talented people that I know. He apparently had a bit of a crises because he actually used sparknotes for the first time instead of doing the reading. Yep, he's one of those guys, he graduated second top of the class and was voted most likely to become president. Meanwhile I frequently got "brilliant but lazy." comments on my progress reports and was voted class rebel. I guess we equal each other out that way.

Also T and I are going to a wedding, and she's all excited that I get to meet her family. Now, correct me if I'm wrong but aren't you supposed to bring dates to weddings? Also she keeps paying for my food and stuff, and she's planning for me to move in with her in a year or two. I think we are becoming actual "heterosexual life partners." only with a twist. It's like I'm legitimately dating a straight girl. excuse me as I revel in the irony of that.

Okay, now I have been informed that her mother ( who hates, athiests and liberals and queers of all sorts and people with dyred hair and vegetarians--basically I have been specially designed for her to hate) wants us to get our hair done before the wedding together. eep! This scares me. If she asks about anything that will offend her I will just pretend that I don't speak english or something.

And for some reason my mother has bought me 3 boxes of vegan corndogs. How does she expect me to eat that many corndogs!? I will be eating those for weeks.

Writer's Block: Shhh… Don’t tell

Do you keep your LiveJournal a secret from someone?

I keep my LJ a secret from everyone in my everyday life. I have told my two closest friends that I have one, but I've never told them my username or let them read it. quite frankly I am afraid of what they will read.Almost everyone in my life knows a little about the darker parts of my life or my past, but only bits and peices. There are a few friends who know most of it, but even then I don't think there is anyone who I've told everything. Not to mention I talk about them sometimes in here and that would just be awkward. I can just imagine T reading some entires and going,
"So you used to haeva a crush on me?"

And then I'd have to play it off and make some stupid joke like,

"Well damn woman stop leading me on then."

So the answer is no. This is just for me.


Also to my LJ friends, have you noticed LJ being bitchy to you lately? Like it's not letting me on half of the time, or taking waaay to long and 5 hits of the refresh button to load.



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